Sometimes I find myself thinking about life and whether what I’m doing really means something. For instance tonight I have this feeling that something’s...off...a feeling I don’t seem to be shaking off so easily. I am usually a positive and upbeat kind of person who looks to the future rather than mulling over the not so great present. I keep thinking maybe my life is just...boring. That I’ve got nothing going for me and I don’t see a way of changing that.
Now don’t get me wrong this is not the kind of place I want to start feeling sorry for myself and my present situation but I have that niggling feeling in my stomach that I won’t be getting a place this year to study for a PGCE. I already heard from Brighton and was unsuccessful. I keep thinking that having been offered an interview meant they saw something but eventually there were other people more suited and experienced. Am just waiting on Chicester but I don’t think it will come to anything. So you can see that what I’ve been working towards is slowly disappearing. Of course I can reapply for next year, which I will definitely be doing. Hopefully when my course finishes I will be better equipped with knowledge and can look at other nurseries to work in. Or I can start looking at T.A positions and work up from there. This will give me more stability in terms of work and money. At the moment I am not earning enough, and like I said when I finish my NVQ Level 3 that will change.
Maybe I am feeling this way because I’m in a transient place in my life. Living in two places, where neither has all my stuff, so I’m constantly wondering, thinking and planning what I need to have at James’s then what I need at home in London. Maybe it is all getting too much; not having enough money, saving, studying, applying for second jobs, the list can go on. I keep looking at my 23 before 24 and wonder if I’ll ever achieve anything on it. I know what I want out of my life now; however, it seems to taking so long to get there and too hard. Of course it’s hard, I hear you cry. Life is meant to be hard. All I do is work towards things and never seem to get anywhere.
I’m sure I will feel better tomorrow. Sleep always helps. It has been a long time since I last wrote a post like this. I’ve got a great boyfriend, a job I love, good friends and place to live. I haven’t got any debts, just a strained bank account. But I’ve got savings stored. So really I am good. Having one those moments we all have from time to time, when things don’t seem to go our way or in our favour and we wonder if it’s all worth it. To cheer myself up I have been watching MadMen and collecting images of Michelle Williams one of my girl/style crushes of the moment. If only I could have short hair like hers. But for now I am attempting to emulate Zooey Deschanel’s, with the colour and soon to be fringe addition.